And I'll Form the Head!!!!

Voltron is pretty entertaining, at least for those of us who are facinated by speciously-plotted sci-fi shows meant for kids. Also, as far as the history of such things, it was one of the first shows of its kind--giant robot, team-based action squad, "kid-like" heroes (none of the team members are older than 20 or so), and fighting against the weirdest and most evil mutations the universe could throw against the good systems united together. It is probably one of the most violent of such morning TV cartoons in America; although the actual deaths from the Japanese series were edited out, you can still see much more destruction and torture than similar shows. It always bugged me that in Transformers none of these robots that were supposed to be at war with each other ever died. In G.I. Joe it was worse, 'cause these are humans, and here they are jumping out of their tanks and helicopters the second before they are about to be hit by a missile. Whatever.

But by far, the most entertaining part of Voltron is the english dialogue, which is absolutely abysmal. Sure, the dubbing doesn't match the video, which is to be expected, but it's as if they didn't even bother rewriting the dialogue to sound anything less than ridiculous.

Like this horrible threat:

Attention Planet Nemone, this is Planet Doom speaking: King Zarkon demands that you speed up production of the mineral Nemonium. It is vital in the operation of his magesty's superior war machines. All those who fail to meet their quotas will be severely punished.

What? Who's this? Oh, Planet Doom, of course, the one with the superior war machines. That is why we are slaves of Planet Doom, after all. I'll meet my quota now. Or this gem:

I built that robot. But I built it to be good. They turned it into something evil.

Just like my pot roast! Just like this marriage! Horrors!

Well, I guess it's not Shakespeare, but it gets the message across. There just aren't any standards for dialogue anymore. Sit-coms pretty much make the limit. Sometimes I listen to the things that the characters on reality shows say, and I want to reach through the TV and shake them by the lapel, screaming, "You didn't say anything! Words came out, but they had no meaning! It wasn't even a sentence!" Those model shows are the worst. Those aren't real people, they are corpses made into zombies by the power of television. For all the time talking about their feelings and crying on camera, they sure don't seem to be able to communicate outside of a recitation of cliches. I don't think that any of them would pass the Turing Test. But then again, the standards of what "seems like a human" sure is on the decline.

So I guess the dialogue of Voltron isn't so bad, as long as you can be entertained by simplified status updates and generalized explanations that destroy the very concept of metaphor with their categorical blandness. Hey, it's better than the alternative.

Oh, and I also found this, which was on Super Robot Chicken not so long ago. I think it would be funnier without the sex jokes. Everyone knows the Princess is sexually naive... she still has a nanny, for goodness sakes.

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