Let the Crooked be Made Straight...

I used to be offended, in that sort of sideways, "it's not actually offensive to me personally, but I'm sure glad I'm not them," way about the fact that Hallmark brands its African-American greeting cards as "Mahogany" cards (you know, the cards that were brought over from Africa as slave cards, but now are half as American as a white card). Mahogany is a dark, rain forest wood (though, strangely, from the Amazonian rain forest, I guess that magazine had already copyrighted "Ebony") that is highly priced for its sturdiness, and rich, dark color. "Mahogany Cards: when you just need to play the race card." That's not actually the slogan, but I bet [jungesam] will think its funny.

Anyway, I was that sort of offended, until yesterday, when I became actually offended. I went to Walgreens to buy a Hanukkah card, and what did I find, as a relic of the prejudice that is forever a part of the Northwestern United States' history? All the Jewish cards--Hanukkah, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Simchat Torah, and what-have-you--are all now branded as "Tree of Life" cards. Bastards!

Offensive, times two: one-the tree of life is forbidden by God's edict. We are forever shut from the garden of eden, and they had to rub that in our faces! Our bronzed, diasporadic, faces. Two-you know what the "tree of life" refers to, besides that? The LOINS OF DAVID. The line of David will bring the messiah, and thus, resurrection. I guarantee that not only does the tetragrammon NOT send holiday cards, if s/he did, they would not have messianic power, because THEY ARE ONLY PIECES OF PAPER WITH CARTOON DOGS EATING LATKES ON THEM.

Fun religion fact! Did you know that according to the heretic "Christian" faith, as the Messiah, Jesus is of the line of David? That's what all those "begats" beget in the beginning of Matthew. See, there is David sperm in Jesus! Even though, you know, Mary was a virgin... right. Hmm. But, the really fun part of this fun fact is that because of this medieval artists often protrayed Jesus as the "branch" of the tree of life--literally! There is a stained glass window in some cathedral in Europe that shows David lining on his back, a tree of life blossoming from his crotch, and Jesus hanging out in the branches! I shit you not! Religion is really weird.

And all I wanted to do was send a holiday card to my parents. Goddamn apostate Hallmark sick sexual perversion begetting bastards.

Tomorrow we'll talk about the mystical application of the tree of life in Kabbalah!


Adam

ps. I can't seem to find a picture of the stained glass window, but I've definitely seen it before. If anyone knows what I'm talking about, please let me know.